


for once you let go, of your fears and your ghosts;

by lgbtshark



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, established jemily with lots of flashbacks because thats just how i roll i guess, my love letter to the whole jemily fandom because i truly love you guys with all i have <3, this is heavily jj/emily focused but also lots of spencer/emily and bau family fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 16:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16308908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtshark/pseuds/lgbtshark
Summary: post s13. emily, jj and the rest of the team are trying to heal from their past traumas and demons. however, healing is never easy and with new unsubs to catch and old demons arising, the team has to learn how to heal together, as a family.established jemily with lot's of bau family fluff/angst.





	for once you let go, of your fears and your ghosts;

**Author's Note:**

> a few things before we start: i've been working on this for a long time now but it seemed that i just wasn't able to finish chapter one. but im finally done, woot woot! this is going to be at least 20 chapters from what i have planned so far (still need to write tho lmao) but it's going to be a ride i want to finish!
> 
> however, i decided to establish jemily in a relationship really quickly because it's been 12 goddamn years and they simply deserve to have a happy ending. there is not going to be any major angst, so no one has to be afraid of sudden breakups. i just don't see that happening. but, there will be lots of dealing with their pasts, specially scratch because i think they haven't had enough time to heal. and what better way to heal than as a whole family? also, there are going to be a major storyline for jj, which will make sense in the end, i promse you!
> 
> i am still not 100% happy with this chapter, but it was good enough to post. hopefully, i will be able to update more than a month lmao
> 
> anyways, that's all for now. without futher ado, enjoy chapter one!
> 
> ps: this isn't going to be a will friendly story.

> "sometimes home has a heartbeat."

 

Emily closed her eyes and let out a loud sigh. Two fingers rubbed over temple and her eyebrows were screwed up.  _ She _ was exhausted. These past few weeks have rather been quiet, too quiet for her liking but she welcomed the break her team and her were getting. But still, Emily was exhausted and she felt like she needed to sleep for two weeks at least.

 

She closed the files on her table and leaned back into her chair. Her thoughts wandered back to the past few months. It truly had been a horrible year for the whole team. Spencer being framed and having to go to prison, Mr. Scratch coming after the team and  _ god _ the cases weren’t getting any easier. It almost felt like every single serial killer they had to fight was going somehow personally after one of the team family member.

 

All Emily wanted was some peace. For her and specially for her team. They deserved it so much. She took another long look at all the files in front of her and with a sigh, she got up from her chair, gathering the files together. This could wait till tomorrow. Emily just needed a break, that’s all.

 

More importantly, Emily needed a break from those,  _ feelings _ . A part of her had accepted the fact that JJ would never return what Emily felt for her. But another part of her was full with hope. Specially after JJ had told her Will and her were having some  _ problems _ . She was torn between wanting to tell her best friend and just shoving these feelings deep down somewhere in her heart, praying that they wouldn’t be able to break free and get out.

 

Another sigh escaped her mouth and Emily started to walk towards her door and her mind was already in her bathtub, a good book and a glass of wine in her hand, when Garcia appeared with a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes in front of her.

 

“We have a case.”

 

Emily nodded, returning Garcia's smile.

 

Stopping in her tracks for a second, she quickly gathered her thoughts, trying to blend out the blonde and that  _ damn  _ worrying face that has occupied her mind over these past few years, before she followed Garcia into the room where her team was already waiting for her.

 

“What have we got?” Emily asked as she entered into the room at let herself down next to JJ and Spencer. The young genius gave her a short, but genuine smile. Not trusting herself, she didn’t dare to take a look to the blonde beside her. She quickly opened up the file and tried to gather as much information as possible.

 

“I hate to be the one bringing the sad and bad news, but three women were found dead. Tortured and sexually assaulted.” Garcia began, clearly not comfortable. She send a worried look towards Emily and the united chief gave her an encouraging smile. Every case was hard. But Penelope was always affected the worst, the bubbling hacker cared. Always. And Emily knew that.

 

“It seems that the police in New York has already requested us. Pictures from the crime scene and from the three women should already be on your tablet,” Emily gave Penelope a quick smile before she continued, “And we should get going, since I have a feeling this Unsub only got started. Wheels up in 10.” Emily nodded to her team before she got up from her place and gathered the files on the table. She could feel JJ’s eyes on her and Emily had to bit her lip to stop herself from speaking to her. She couldn’t. Not yet at least. 

 

It had been a while since she got captured from Scratch and she had to admit that deep down, Emily had tried to push down those drowing  _ feelings _ away. She told herself that it happened, it was in the past and she just should get over it. But a part of her, a part she had tried so hard to push away, told her that it wasn’t right to forget what happened. However, Emily was Emily. And she did what she was best at.

 

Pushing the trauma as far aways as she could.

 

Besides, Emily believed it had to wait for her to finally have the breakdown, which what everyone was expecting at some point, because her best friend needed her more. He might not want to say it out loud, but the prison finally started to show its effect on Spencer. And Emily was beyond worried about him.

 

“Spencer, wait a second.” Emily spoke up before he could escape her once again and she could read on his face that he didn’t wanted to have this conversation. 

 

“Spencer, at some point, we have to talk about what happened. The kidnapping, you almost dying..” Her voice was a whisper and Spencer let out a defeated sigh. “I know. I know that Emily.” He spoke, almost in a bitter tone and Emily took his hand and squeezed it slightly.

 

“I’m not judging you for not going to the psychiatrist. I mean, look at me.” Emily let out a bitter chuckle and Emily regretted it immediately after she said it, because Spencers eyes turned into worry and sorrow and Emily sighed.

 

“I know that you would rather talk about this to JJ, since she is your best friend, but I am here for you too.”

 

“I know, Emily.” Before she could add anything else, his arms swung around her and Spencer captured Emily in a hug she swore could cure all the trauma in her.

 

“You are my best friend, too.” He whispered before he let go of her and turned around to leave the room.

 

Emily was stunned for a brief second before she let out another chuckled and she closed her eyes. Time to focus. No matter what would happen, Emily promised herself right at this point after the case was over that she would sit down and have a talk with Spencer. She owned him that. 

 

After all, he was her best friend.

 

And she wouldn't let him go through this alone. Not like she had to.

 

Emily took a deep breath and pushed a hair stain out of her face before she focused her gaze and left the room, her work mood activated.

 

She didn’t noticed JJ from afar, sadness and anguish written all over her face and her eyes were full with worry. JJ wished she could do anything to take at least a small part of Emily’s pain away. Over the past few things, Emily had closed herself off, again, and JJ knew she wasn't the only one who had noticed that. JJ and Morgan had been in contact and him and Emily went out together at least once a month. 

 

They were worried.

 

JJ hoped, deep down, that she would be able to pull through the unit chief again. So much had happened these past few months and JJ knew that no matter how much Emily always tried to push everything away, this had gotten way deeper than she wanted to believe. Even Doyle.

 

She sighed and made her way towards the jet. They had a case. But she promised herself that after this case, she would have a talk with Emily. And maybe, just maybe, JJ would finally have the courage to tell her that she wanted desperately to take their friendship to the next level. After all, being in love with your best friend would always turn out to be okay in movies.

 

JJ wanted to believe that.

* * *

 

 

“Are you sure you are okay?” The case had been a mess. A total wreck. Just before catching the unsub, he managed to hit the unit chief with a baseball bat, which ended for him with three bullets in his chest and one in his heart. Luke had been the first to shot. He only knew Emily for roughly two years, but she had grown on him in a way he would have never imagined. Family was the first that came into his mind. Tara had been the second, just shortly after Luke had fired his shot, followed by Matt and finally, JJ.

 

Emily’s friendship was something Tara didn’t take for granted. Matt felt exactly the same. After the unsub had fallen down, Tara, Matt and Luke shared a quick glance with each other, definitely not liking how this whole situation had turned out.

 

JJ was the first at Emily’s side. (She always was.)

 

Rossi was the one who called the ambulance, letting out a deep sigh. Why did it always have to be her?

 

Spencer, who had stayed with Garcia was the first one to arrive at the hospital, even through the rest of the team had been way closer. But when he heard that Emily had gotten hurt, again, he wondered what in the world had Emily done wrong to deserve this. This wasn’t fair. And he wanted to be angry, he wanted to scream but he didn’t know to whom he should let out his rage. 

 

The doctor confirmed that Emily had a slight concussion and would be able to travel back with the rest of the team. And that’s how JJ and Emily found themselves in the hospital room, getting Emily ready to fly back.

 

“I am. Really, JJ. I’m fine.” Emily tried to sound encouraging so that the blonde wouldn’t have to worry but Emily knew that wouldn’t work. Once again, she would have to see and feel those worried eyes on her. She knew her team only mean good, but Emily was at a point where she couldn’t stomach that anymore.

 

Emily was tired of being the victim.

 

“I know you hate this Emily, I do. But we all worry. Because we care about you.”

 

Emily sighed.

 

“I know you do.” She smiled at the blonde, a real genuine smile and JJ stepped forward, trapping Emily into a long hug and JJ could feel the other woman relaxing in her embrace.

 

And somehow, no matter what was going on, JJ would always make Emily feel safe. Feel at home. 

 

“Thank you.” Emily whispered into JJ’s shoulder and the blonde just nodded.

 

When they parted, JJ took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a few seconds. This was it. This would be her chance. As soon as they would go home again, Emily would find a way to ignore her and JJ was done waiting and she was done pretending.

 

Pretending that she was still together with Will, pretending that she and Emily were just friends. Pretending that everything was fine. No. She was done.

 

“Emily,” JJ began and took a step towards the older woman, “I need to talk to you.”

 

Emily looked up and took another good look at her friend. Something was wrong, she just couldn't quite tell if it was going to be good or bad.

 

“Of course. Is everything okay?”

 

JJ didn't say anything for few seconds but then, she took Emily's hand in hers. They fit together perfectly and knew that she never wanted to let go of her again. No matter what.

 

“I love you.” JJ blurred out and she regretted it as soon as it escaped her mouth. God, she had planned all of this out, a whole speech which she wrote down and had memorised. But now, JJ prayed to god that she hasn't ruined  _ this _ .

 

“What?” Emily thought that she misheard. No, she knew that she misheard her. There was no way that JJ actually returned her feelings. It was just one of those things that were simple impossible. 

 

“I'm sorry Emily, I had this whole speech planned out and I didn't wanted to tell you this right now, but I knew that you would have found a way to avoid me as soon as we would go home and-" Emily stopped JJ by putting a finger on her lips and when JJ looked up, butterflies found her stomach.

 

The woman she was so utterly in love with had that smile on her face she would only get on special occasions and JJ let out a sigh.

 

“I love you, too.” 

 

“You do?” JJ’s voice was barely a whisper and Emily just nodded, her smile widened and JJ gently took Emily's face between her hands. “Can I kiss you?”

 

“I thought you never asked.”

 

Emily leaned forward and their lips connected into a soft and sweet kiss, both woman practically glowing and Emily suddenly had a feeling that maybe, after everything that happened and what would come, in the end, everything would turn out to be okay.

 

Because she had JJ now.

 

After they parted, Emily shook her head, still not believing that  _ this _ was real. JJ had said she loves her. 

 

“I still have a whole speech ready.” JJ said as she rested her head on Emily's forehead and the brunette let out a low chuckle.

 

“Honestly? These three words mean more to me than you can imagine. I've loved you for such a long time but you are together with Will and-" Emily stopped in her tracks and looked up in horror.

 

“Oh my god.” She touched her lips and took a step backwards.

 

JJ immediately took another step towards Emily and before the older woman could flee or say anything else she quickly said “Will and I aren't together anymore. Haven't been for a long time.”

 

Emily's face relaxed immediately and she let out a low sigh, her hands finding the blondes and Emily felt relief washing over her. She would never forgive herself for turning JJ into a cheater.

 

“I've wanted to tell you tonight, with the speech I had prepared.” JJ muttered and Emily couldn't help but chuckle. 

 

“You can tell me about your speech when we get home. And I think we should talk. Really talk. Because I want this. I want us. And I want to take you out on a date. How does that sound?”

 

“That sounds fantastic.” JJ breathed out and a quick to the clock on the wall made her realize how late they were and that the team was probably already waiting for them.

 

“Shit, we are already late.” JJ said and grabbed they Go-To Bags in one hand and Emily's in her other and started to walk out of the room.

 

“Bossy.” Emily whistled and JJ rolled her eyes but smiled. As they walked outside the hospital and towards they car which would bring them to the jet, JJ stopped in her tracks and turned around.

 

“Do you- I mean do you think we should tell them? About us?” There was a hint of worry in her voice and Emily noticed. She always noticed.

 

“Honestly? That's up to you. I really don't care about anything at the moment because I just found out that the woman I've been in love with for these last few years actually loves me too. And I also think the pain medication is making me say a lot of things I wouldn't normally say out loud.” Emily wrinkled her eyebrows together and JJ leaned forward to leave a short but sweet kiss on her mouth. Emily could definitely get used to this.

 

“I think we should invite them at some point to dinner and tell them together. But we have all the time in the world now.” An easy and soft smile was written all over her face. “You have to rest first, of course. I know how bad concussions can be. And I know you.” JJ tipped on Emily's nose, who rolled her eyes in responds but got into the car without any protest.

 

The car ride was filled with comfortable silence and JJ never let go of the unit chiefs hand. Deep down, JJ thought that this would be what feeling at home was supposed to be like.

 

Emily was her home.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated. find me on twitter: @lauras__view


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